Doubts & Promises

I told you
Toward the universe
Wrapped in a star
A scatter
Revolving around
Spaces unseen
But felt 
Deep and deep
A black hole 
And like it
Nothing comes back 
Nothing comes back to me
See, my darling, I give to you
Time and again
Blindly 
But I’m not fed
No reciprocity
So it seems
In faith I say 
But I know that man loves me
But what do I know?
What do I know?
Do you?
Never heard it from your lips
Just saw it in your eyes 
My mama told me 
A man does
Doesn’t toe around 
And a man knows what he wants
Goes unprompted
And now
Now I don’t know what to think of you
What to suppose
So I decided today 
And yesterday 
And before
I made up my mind
That I don’t love you anymore 
I decided not to care
It wears me out
Your existence
And simultaneous absence
Wears me out
So I’ve decided
To leave you behind 
Go ahead 
Take another 
I feel unwanted
I feel heartbroken 
I know you don’t have a choice
I know that 
I know you have things to take care of
But what difference does rationality make
To a heart in love with another heart
That always seems to be away
Always away
And when close to me
You dare to
To avoid
To look away 
To act like I’m not there
Like I’m not who I am to you
It hurt me.
On Easter Sunday.
It hurt.
I’m constantly shrugging things off
And playing it down
But in case you forgot 
I’m still flesh and bone
And I’m tied to you
Not out of choice
Nor obligation
But because God likes the way we fit.
And I know I do too.
I can’t stop loving you
And it pisses the hell out of me.
No control 
Over who I love
But if you ever 
If you ever show your face around
And dare not talk to me
To look me in the eye 
I guess I won’t do a thing
Because you’re a man who does as he wishes 
And I like that. 
Just like I’ll never pick out your clothes 
Or tell you not to smoke cigars 
(I think you should from time to time)
I never want to stomp out your wild
So I guess I won’t do a thing
If you don’t acknowledge me
Because I respect you
And know you listen to our God
But don’t play with me
Don’t act like I don’t exist
It’s painful. 
Darling,
I hope you don’t read this
Before tomorrow
No distractions for tomorrow
I am so proud of you. 
Every time you’re in a play
Or I see you on the side
The biggest smile spreads
I say to myself
That’s my baby! Look at you!
And look at that tail on you
In those tights
So nice 
I’m proud of you always. 
I do believe that you’ll make 
That 53 this year
With the favor that God’s doused you in
I love you
Even when I don’t want to
I’m here for you
Always 
Always

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