Where’s Your Home?

“And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Psalm 23. 

It’s about to be that time. I’ve already ceremonially graduated, but still have a second internship and final elective class to wrap up. And then what? I’m trying to figure that out, trying to let God take the reigns, trying to…trying. In the next month I’d love to have a job lined up, something to lean on in the midst of my quarterlife crisis. A term I kid about but really, it’s feeling like that right now. 

Timing.

I’m unsure of it. I’m sure of the fact that this chapter of my life, the “getting your Master’s” chapter, is coming to a close at the end of July, beginning of August. I’m sure that I will be in a friend’s wedding come September 13th. Other than that? 3 months from now, nothing else is very certain. 

Speaking of weddings, until this past year nothing of the sort was on my brain, but now I’m thinking “Hey, Lord, is something about to start or isn’t it? The clock is ticking if it’s going to happen here with whom, because I’m about to leave this town” (another thing that I don’t know for sure).

You see, I’m 24 and have never dated. Which is great, and good, after all, I am the one who prayed earnestly for the first man I date to be the one I marry. I’ve seen way too much heartbreak to wish for anything else. And now a desire for a relationship has filled me that I don’t quite understand. It’s annoying. So there’s that…another piece of the puzzle that I am yet to see jigsaw into place.

Can you feel that? Can you feel it?

Worry.

Usually I just do. I’m a doer. But there’s things now that I can do, and others that are completely out of my control. Whoa. I don’t like that state of being. But worrying when you’ve got the best God out there and the most loving best friend, father, King, fill in the blank…is so ridiculously in vain.

Which is why stumbling upon Psalm 23 this morning worked its magic. No, I do not know where I’m going to be or what I’m going to do or when or how or what my relationship status will be in 3 months. I DON’T KNOW. 

There are places that look like, feel like, taste like, smell like home…but those are just the senses.

What about your heart? My heart is at home always in the presence of my God. It’s that constant, that which doesn’t transition. And in all this uncomfortable unknown, non-affirming silence, I choose to find my peace, my rest, in that unchanging fact.

So, you? Find some lush green pastures and lie down already. It feels so right.

Advertisements

Waiting.

Patience is something that I’m not very good at. I’m relatively good at a lot of things, creative in different respects. 

But patience? No.

With children, very much so. Unless they’re rude or consistently disobedient, but even then, I can keep a cool head, get my point across, and retain some form of understanding.

But in life? Regarding my future? Regarding knowns stuck in a pool of unknowns? A stagnant pool at that, or so it seems to me, because I am NOT…patient.

Currently, I am in a place where I have no choice. There are things that I have to wait on, things that I cannot pursue, because that is not my place.

Waiting.

Not waiting as in wasting time, but waiting as in waiting for my train to arrive even if it takes more than a year.

I’ve been waiting since July 22nd, 2013…and only the Lord knows when I’ll stop.

Forgive me, I know that I’m being vague, but I don’t feel like spilling any details.

Other than the fact that this has been the most challenging form of waiting that I have ever endured. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually…although it’s beautiful, it has been taxing. Mostly because of what I am waiting for.

Something dear to me. Something that is one of the most significant somethings in my life.

But it’s not yet the Lord’s time. 

And sometimes it hurts.

But I have grown.

And the Lord knows best.

Remember,

The Lord always knows best:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

-Isaiah 55:8-9

And Hold Fast Then.

Image

 

 

I’m beginning to forget you

Piece by piece

Fading into fog

 

I’m going away

Find me somewhere in tomorrow

And hold fast then

 

Find me in fields

On train tracks

In water

 

And hold fast then.

I tend to float

But I want to continue

 

In a billow of your dense clouds

Rain on me, love

Soak me til’ I’m heavy

 

Can’t move

 

Announce yourself

Thunder near.

 

Strike me

Lightning to awaken

Then soft.

 

You are electrifying

With those eyes of yours

 

Hold fast then.

Paralyze me with them.

But this time

 

Don’t let me run away

For I’m always tempted to.

 

But in those cases

I’m not of sound mind

To know what I want

 

Help me remember

That you are unforgettable

My darling

Open Palms…

A solid sound.

An echo…
An echo.
 
Life is much bigger than what you see.
 
Life much bigger than what you see.
 
What you see.
 
Vision blurred empty.
Eyes cleared hollow.
 
Free fall.
 
Free for all.
 
Clinging to your Loved.
 
Don’t break my heart, you said.
 
I told you not to break it…
 
You say.
 
Knowing you are not disregarded
 
But feeling so. 
 
Maybe I heard wrong
 
Maybe it was foolishness
 
But if so, it was a kind 
 
Foreign to your mind
 
Eyes. 
 
Sometimes I’d prefer
 
To drown on the surface
 
Than live in the unknown.
 
What is my life?
 
Hesitation, although always aware
 
It’s a fruition 
 
But right now, all you can see
 
The spout watering 
 
Sprout.
 
The bloom is in wait.
 
And you’ll get stung.
 
Prepared for sweetness.
 
You are becoming 
 
Whose are you
And what for
 
I am that I am.
For His whatever that may be.
 
Slowly loosening the grasp
 
To open palms.
 

A Missing.

It hasn’t been near as bad

Lately.

But at times I can still feel that ache…

I’ll be with friends

At school

At work

And feel

Feel

Feel.

The weighted.

Your memory 

Has kept me bound strangely.

Betrothed unwillingly.

And the love given me

For you

I can’t put it away

I asked the Lord

Help me put it away

On some shelf

But I’m afraid

It fills up the whole house.

I fear when you do come home

Because this territory, for me

Unchartered.

But I fear more…

The density of my love for you.

 

Your Eyes

When I look at them 

Remember them… 

My heart speaks loudly but words are mute.

I cannot believe you exist.

You come gift wrapped 

And I,

I welcome your imperfections.

Although I never want to hurt you…

for the times I do, love

i cherish the thought of coming to you

With an earnest sorry.

Your eyes bring out something in me

That I never knew was asleep.