Womanhood: Part I

This was a blog entry I wrote back in May, but was in a rush and couldn’t post it until now. The only difference is that now I am 25. I have become womaner.

“You know, then I feel that pressure, like, I need to learn how to become a wife. I need to prepare.” -Me

“But you know, it always bothers me when people say that, because what about just becoming a woman?” -Dear Friend

What does it mean to “become a wife” before you’ve ever even been a girlfriend? Or maybe you’ve been a girlfriend, but it was so far from anything even close to a grown up relationship that you couldn’t tell the difference between what went down and Elementary School love notes. A state of giddy being the only mutual factor.

People will have their own opinions of what becoming a wife entails, from a plethora of worldviews…mine being more subject to the Biblical. That being said, what about becoming a woman? How do we go about doing that? I still feel like a child at times, and I suppose I aspire to be a “Proverbs 31 Woman,” but goodness gracious, she’s already hitched. And half of what she does is for her man and children. I have neither of those.

Because of the lack of practical guidance in this world, I have created a list that will involve what I think it means to become a woman.

  1. Love others tirelessly. When you’re worn out physically, mentally, emotionally, you better dig to find whatever is left to give away.
  2. Get fought up when it is necessary. Namely when someone you love is getting hurt, it’s okay to get in someone’s face to defend a loved one’s honor.
  3. Brush it off 75% of the time. Don’t let your pride get in the way, for “defending your honor” is not as valiant as it sounds. It’s not the same as backing up a friend, and this isn’t the Civil War.
  4. Know how to cook, clean, and do the laundry. Notice I didn’t say “and do these things all the time.” How often you feel like doing them is up to you, but the know-how is what’s key. I would say the same thing for men, but that’s not my audience.
  5. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh at yourself as much as possible. If you’re like me and often look strangely subdued because your eyebrows are almost always furrowed (the thinking brow), break it up some. And laugh with and at other people too, it’s good for your heart.
  6. Challenge yourself in everything. Physically, mentally, socially, spiritually. Oftentimes we create our own limits, so push past them. Listen, I’m no life coach, but refusing to stay stagnant is good life advice for anyone, woman or man.
  7. Formulate your dreams and aspirations, and move toward them. It’s alright to have a plan, and if something disrupts them, that is just fine as well. But having a blueprint is NEVER a bad idea. God is the architect, so He’ll change what He sees fit.
  8. Respect your parents, your elders, your everyone. Realize that you would be nowhere without them, and treat them as such. I would also say, call them by “ma’am” and “sir,” but that’s projecting my Southern upbringing onto everyone.
  9. Keep a tight rein on that agile tongue. Whether you’re being pessimistic or straight up catty, cut out those trans fats. It weighs you and others down…and does no one any favors. It can also suck the spirit right out of you. You want to speak words that breathe life. I still need practice on this, especially when I’m driving. Oftentimes I’ll say something like: “Yeah, I’m totally judging you right now, I’m pretty sure you are of minimal intelligence and thoroughly stupid.” Yes, that person cut me off and was being stupid, but it’s still not right.
  10. Get closer to your Creator. Talk to Him, consult with Him, love Him, know Him, surrender to Him. No one could ever know you better. Water and sun this relationship. It’s the one that matters most.

Remember that a 24 year old is telling you all of these things. I still think what I’ve said is sound, but goodness, I’ve got some growing to do. This is a woman trying to become a woman telling you how to become a woman. So, yeah…

Be on the lookout for “Womanhood: Part II”…I don’t know what it’s going to be about yet, so there’s that.

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Turn the Light Off

Image

And can you not…

Turn the light off?

A constant buzz, a flash

A noisy.

My being tires of you.

Concrete. Fake smiles.

Busy.

Wearied walks, legs–

Could you turn the light off please?

Then water.

Dense silence.

Limbs moving

A seldom known quiet.

A voice

A mountain

A reaching

A vision

Turn that light off.

Let it swallow me whole.

Enveloped.

Sealed pure.

Turn it off.

And let me hear it.

You know that sound–

An echo vibration.

A shaky yet stable.

Turn off.

Turn of YOU.

You as in me.

And you IN me.

Melded.

Let me separate

Distinguish–

Turn off the light.

Let me taste richly

See in the clear

Calm me.

Please turn off that light…

And let me live simply

Rock gently

Cook in hum.

Hot tea

Woods deep

A lake, the sea.

Just you and I

Take me to our Eden.

I’ll hang the clothes to dry

Wake you with a soul song

Listen to you through our eyes

Kiss you gently yet fiercely

At once.

Let me love you saturatedly.

Lucidity.

So turn off that light.

In the mute

Find me free…

Flesh vs. Spirit

And if I don’t want to I don’t have to

And I won’t.

Yeah, it sounds good to me,

But ice cream gives a good brain freeze.

You see, I don’t see how that could work.

I love the idea of it, and it’s pretty and it’s everything I could want in that

But, no, that’s not the easy way.

And I don’t want to have to work at this.

What do you want from me?

You have my heart, you know that.

Now you want me to share it?

Share it with an other?

With a he?

But you see, we were so gooood you and me.

SO good, blissful and free.

I found my childlikeness with you again

We ran together on the levee

To feel the train whip by us. Too feel.

I winked at you while I took photos of your sunrise in the clouds.

MINE. YOU’RE MINE.

Yours. I’m yours. You claimed me awhile ago.

You fastened my spirit to you from the outset.

And never let me go.

I’ve touched your face with my poetry, with my smile.

Now you want me to let another in?

To this?

Naw, but see, what we have is good…you and me.

And I can’t be away from you.

I refuse.

I have to have you.

I won’t let some guy sidetrack me.

Even if you’ve set him apart.

NO.

Okay Lord, it’s a battle you see.

One on one is what I know.

I’ll fight it out of insecurity…out of fear.

And out of devotion.

But if you tell me to go forth

If you tell me to trust.

Your word is my command.

A Sickness.

You were a thing unnatural.

Yet true to form.

Something that clung prematurely.

But that is what’s strange

What doesn’t fit, because you see…

You never belonged there in the first place.

But you filled the same spaces and gaps

That you created. 

Filled them with longing

And pretense

And sabotage.

With a fakeness

A sneaky

With a hiding yet scared.

With a Smeagle

A duality, yes.

With truth, no.

You tried to sap the goodness from me.

And fed off of desire.

But always temporary.

Never satisfied

A taking

No reciprocating.

You wore me out for years

Over a decade, in fact.

Tried to claim my innocence

And make me forget my name.

But then I heard it

The Gentle As a Whisper

And I was nursed back

I, a little lamb.

And I remembered my name.

 

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