Womanhood: Part I

This was a blog entry I wrote back in May, but was in a rush and couldn’t post it until now. The only difference is that now I am 25. I have become womaner.

“You know, then I feel that pressure, like, I need to learn how to become a wife. I need to prepare.” -Me

“But you know, it always bothers me when people say that, because what about just becoming a woman?” -Dear Friend

What does it mean to “become a wife” before you’ve ever even been a girlfriend? Or maybe you’ve been a girlfriend, but it was so far from anything even close to a grown up relationship that you couldn’t tell the difference between what went down and Elementary School love notes. A state of giddy being the only mutual factor.

People will have their own opinions of what becoming a wife entails, from a plethora of worldviews…mine being more subject to the Biblical. That being said, what about becoming a woman? How do we go about doing that? I still feel like a child at times, and I suppose I aspire to be a “Proverbs 31 Woman,” but goodness gracious, she’s already hitched. And half of what she does is for her man and children. I have neither of those.

Because of the lack of practical guidance in this world, I have created a list that will involve what I think it means to become a woman.

1. Love others tirelessly. When you’re worn out physically, mentally, emotionally, you better dig to find whatever is left to give away.
2. Get fought up when it is necessary. Namely when someone you love is getting hurt, it’s okay to get in someone’s face to defend a loved one’s honor.
3. Brush it off 75% of the time. Don’t let your pride get in the way, for “defending your honor” is not as valiant as it sounds. It’s not the same as backing up a friend, and this isn’t the Civil War.
4. Know how to cook, clean, and do the laundry. Notice I didn’t say “and do these things all the time.” How often you feel like doing them is up to you, but the know-how is what’s key. I would say the same thing for men, but that’s not my audience.
5. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh at yourself as much as possible. If you’re like me and often look strangely subdued because your eyebrows are almost always furrowed (the thinking brow), break it up some. And laugh with and at other people too, it’s good for your heart.
6. Challenge yourself in everything. Physically, mentally, socially, spiritually. Oftentimes we create our own limits, so push past them. Listen, I’m no life coach, but refusing to stay stagnant is good life advice for anyone, woman or man.
7. Formulate your dreams and aspirations, and move toward them. It’s alright to have a plan, and if something disrupts them, that is just fine as well. But having a blueprint is NEVER a bad idea. God is the architect, so He’ll change what He sees fit.
8. Respect your parents, your elders, your everyone. Realize that you would be nowhere without them, and treat them as such. I would also say, call them by “ma’am” and “sir,” but that’s projecting my Southern upbringing onto everyone.
9. Keep a tight rein on that agile tongue. Whether you’re being pessimistic or straight up catty, cut out those trans fats. It weighs you and others down…and does no one any favors. It can also suck the spirit right out of you. You want to speak words that breathe life. I still need practice on this, especially when I’m driving. Oftentimes I’ll say something like: “Yeah, I’m totally judging you right now, I’m pretty sure you are of minimal intelligence and thoroughly stupid.” Yes, that person cut me off and was being stupid, but it’s still not right.
10. Get closer to your Creator. Talk to Him, consult with Him, love Him, know Him, surrender to Him. No one could ever know you better. Water and sun this relationship. It’s the one that matters most.

Remember that a 24 year old is telling you all of these things. I still think what I’ve said is sound, but goodness, I’ve got some growing to do. This is a woman trying to become a woman telling you how to become a woman. So, yeah…

Be on the lookout for “Womanhood: Part II”…I don’t know what it’s going to be about yet, so there’s that.

Doubts & Promises

I told you
Toward the universe
Wrapped in a star
A scatter
Revolving around
Spaces unseen
But felt 
Deep and deep
A black hole 
And like it
Nothing comes back 
Nothing comes back to me
See, my darling, I give to you
Time and again
Blindly 
But I’m not fed
No reciprocity
So it seems
In faith I say 
But I know that man loves me
But what do I know?
What do I know?
Do you?
Never heard it from your lips
Just saw it in your eyes 
My mama told me 
A man does
Doesn’t toe around 
And a man knows what he wants
Goes unprompted
And now
Now I don’t know what to think of you
What to suppose
So I decided today 
And yesterday 
And before
I made up my mind
That I don’t love you anymore 
I decided not to care
It wears me out
Your existence
And simultaneous absence
Wears me out
So I’ve decided
To leave you behind 
Go ahead 
Take another 
I feel unwanted
I feel heartbroken 
I know you don’t have a choice
I know that 
I know you have things to take care of
But what difference does rationality make
To a heart in love with another heart
That always seems to be away
Always away
And when close to me
You dare to
To avoid
To look away 
To act like I’m not there
Like I’m not who I am to you
It hurt me.
On Easter Sunday.
It hurt.
I’m constantly shrugging things off
And playing it down
But in case you forgot 
I’m still flesh and bone
And I’m tied to you
Not out of choice
Nor obligation
But because God likes the way we fit.
And I know I do too.
I can’t stop loving you
And it pisses the hell out of me.
No control 
Over who I love
But if you ever 
If you ever show your face around
And dare not talk to me
To look me in the eye 
I guess I won’t do a thing
Because you’re a man who does as he wishes 
And I like that. 
Just like I’ll never pick out your clothes 
Or tell you not to smoke cigars 
(I think you should from time to time)
I never want to stomp out your wild
So I guess I won’t do a thing
If you don’t acknowledge me
Because I respect you
And know you listen to our God
But don’t play with me
Don’t act like I don’t exist
It’s painful. 
Darling,
I hope you don’t read this
Before tomorrow
No distractions for tomorrow
I am so proud of you. 
Every time you’re in a play
Or I see you on the side
The biggest smile spreads
I say to myself
That’s my baby! Look at you!
And look at that tail on you
In those tights
So nice 
I’m proud of you always. 
I do believe that you’ll make 
That 53 this year
With the favor that God’s doused you in
I love you
Even when I don’t want to
I’m here for you
Always 
Always

No One But Us

God knows

Yes

But no one but us

No one but us

Knows the toll

The taxing

The ache

We’re joyful in our separate spheres

Blessed because we live in favor

Undeserved

If you were to see me smile

Day to day

You wouldn’t know it

That every night

Or nearly every

At least once a day

A multivitamin of tears

A feeling weak

A seeking God and asking

“Why?? Why this way?”

Why this struggle

Why this wait

You had my heart Lord

You had me wholly

Then You shocked my system

Left my knees to knock

I begged you, “I need two years alone with you Lord, I’m not ready to meet him yet, I need more time with you!!!”

And now I’m not sure I can last that long

My heart tied to him

Hand glued to his

Eyes forever locked

No one but us knows

No one

What it is like

To fall in love with a person

Before you’ve met

Well, it sucks. 

Yet it’s completely lovely.

I’ve grown & blossomed as I’ve been broken down.

As tears haven’t ceased, but multiplied.

They’re making fertile ground

Fertile ground

For you to plant a garden.

I don’t understand God’s ways

No

But I know

That I’m ready for us to intersect

The Venn Diagram that is

You and I

No One But Us 

Knows

Darling

Come home.

I Would Be A Fool

And I would be a fool

To try and listen to a mime

To copy the movements of a marionette

To heed the advice of a puppet

I would be  fool

To gamble with a counterfeit

To purchase an imitation

To dance with clubbed feet

Would be a fool

Who seeks the wisdom of a sorcerer

Who spits manna out for greater blessing

Who drinks poison and calls it sherry

Be a fool

And doubt the Voice of Never Change

And reject a divine present

And fail to believe

A Fool

The definition of

Within the sound…

Of the word itself.

Fool.

And so am I.

Full of faith.

No matter the norm.

 

In The Time We Were Apart

In the time we were apart

I was in your arms still

I was holding you near

 

I was moving heavier

Heavy

Heavily forward

Toward

You.

 

I lifted prayers to the sky

And our Father blessed them.

 

For you

The whole world

And all the favor

Magnified.

 

For you

Joy beyond reason

 

I love you

Steadily and sure

And even though we have not

Yet met.

 

We still have an anniversary

The Summer of 2013

When you fell hard for me.

 

And I fell…

Like the leaves and twigs

That Fall.

 

Darling,

 

Never doubt how much I love you.

For as long as I’m on Earth

 

My eyes gaze upon Heaven

But my feet are planted next to yours.

 

Rooted so.

 

When the time is right

Feel no need to knock

The door is always ajar

 

Don’t bother wiping your feet

For I want your dirty too

 

All of you is welcome

All of you belongs

 

Because when you are with me

What feels like home

Will be complete.

Even If

POEM

And even if 

Another were to take me home

I’d still keep your memory close

Fondly think of you

The promise of you

Altogether different

Than what I supposed

With fall

Your being would drop ripe

With me doing the picking

And later savor

With winter

Every snowflake an imprint

Representation

Of you being a creation

Wholly individual

Wholly beautiful

With spring

As the green hues shout forth

I’d remember the depth of your eyes

And the sincerity of new beginnings

Of new, fresh love

And come summer

The weight of the dew, the air

In the morning

Would remind me of your richness

Your saturated with valiance

Your honor

In the mornings as the sun rises

I would remember

the glow in your eyes that day

That Sunday

When you looked at me 

Like I was the only one in the universe

Like I was something to behold

And at nights

Gazing at stars, moon

I would think about how I let you love me

How I pretended that you were right next to me

Imagined that you were holding me

Whispered to myself

“One day you’ll be here, and I can love you”

Darling, I say “even if”

But I don’t give up that easy

And I don’t know whether I have it within me

To love another like I love you

So, no

I can’t reside in the home of a heart

That doesn’t belong to you

LITTLE NOTE TO MY DARLING

I can’t stand how much I love you.

I cry almost every night nowadays, which is strange.

Not because I’m depressed, but I tear up when I let myself think of how much I love you.

I have to go to sleep now, but guess what happened today?

A bird just up and crapped on the back of my head. I didn’t like it.

Anyway, I love you. I hope your day was amazing. I look forward to the days when you can tell me all about it.

But for now, goodnight, and also, I think that you are the most beautiful creation on the face of this planet. That is all. 

Where’s Your Home?

“And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Psalm 23. 

It’s about to be that time. I’ve already ceremonially graduated, but still have a second internship and final elective class to wrap up. And then what? I’m trying to figure that out, trying to let God take the reigns, trying to…trying. In the next month I’d love to have a job lined up, something to lean on in the midst of my quarterlife crisis. A term I kid about but really, it’s feeling like that right now. 

Timing.

I’m unsure of it. I’m sure of the fact that this chapter of my life, the “getting your Master’s” chapter, is coming to a close at the end of July, beginning of August. I’m sure that I will be in a friend’s wedding come September 13th. Other than that? 3 months from now, nothing else is very certain. 

Speaking of weddings, until this past year nothing of the sort was on my brain, but now I’m thinking “Hey, Lord, is something about to start or isn’t it? The clock is ticking if it’s going to happen here with whom, because I’m about to leave this town” (another thing that I don’t know for sure).

You see, I’m 24 and have never dated. Which is great, and good, after all, I am the one who prayed earnestly for the first man I date to be the one I marry. I’ve seen way too much heartbreak to wish for anything else. And now a desire for a relationship has filled me that I don’t quite understand. It’s annoying. So there’s that…another piece of the puzzle that I am yet to see jigsaw into place.

Can you feel that? Can you feel it?

Worry.

Usually I just do. I’m a doer. But there’s things now that I can do, and others that are completely out of my control. Whoa. I don’t like that state of being. But worrying when you’ve got the best God out there and the most loving best friend, father, King, fill in the blank…is so ridiculously in vain.

Which is why stumbling upon Psalm 23 this morning worked its magic. No, I do not know where I’m going to be or what I’m going to do or when or how or what my relationship status will be in 3 months. I DON’T KNOW. 

There are places that look like, feel like, taste like, smell like home…but those are just the senses.

What about your heart? My heart is at home always in the presence of my God. It’s that constant, that which doesn’t transition. And in all this uncomfortable unknown, non-affirming silence, I choose to find my peace, my rest, in that unchanging fact.

So, you? Find some lush green pastures and lie down already. It feels so right.

Waiting.

Patience is something that I’m not very good at. I’m relatively good at a lot of things, creative in different respects. 

But patience? No.

With children, very much so. Unless they’re rude or consistently disobedient, but even then, I can keep a cool head, get my point across, and retain some form of understanding.

But in life? Regarding my future? Regarding knowns stuck in a pool of unknowns? A stagnant pool at that, or so it seems to me, because I am NOT…patient.

Currently, I am in a place where I have no choice. There are things that I have to wait on, things that I cannot pursue, because that is not my place.

Waiting.

Not waiting as in wasting time, but waiting as in waiting for my train to arrive even if it takes more than a year.

I’ve been waiting since July 22nd, 2013…and only the Lord knows when I’ll stop.

Forgive me, I know that I’m being vague, but I don’t feel like spilling any details.

Other than the fact that this has been the most challenging form of waiting that I have ever endured. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually…although it’s beautiful, it has been taxing. Mostly because of what I am waiting for.

Something dear to me. Something that is one of the most significant somethings in my life.

But it’s not yet the Lord’s time. 

And sometimes it hurts.

But I have grown.

And the Lord knows best.

Remember,

The Lord always knows best:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

-Isaiah 55:8-9

And Hold Fast Then.

 

 

I’m beginning to forget you

Piece by piece

Fading into fog

 

I’m going away

Find me somewhere in tomorrow

And hold fast then

 

Find me in fields

On train tracks

In water

 

And hold fast then.

I tend to float

But I want to continue

 

In a billow of your dense clouds

Rain on me, love

Soak me til’ I’m heavy

 

Can’t move

 

Announce yourself

Thunder near.

 

Strike me

Lightning to awaken

Then soft.

 

You are electrifying

With those eyes of yours

 

Hold fast then.

Paralyze me with them.

But this time

 

Don’t let me run away

For I’m always tempted to.

 

But in those cases

I’m not of sound mind

To know what I want

 

Help me remember

That you are unforgettable

My darling

Open Palms…

A solid sound.

An echo…

An echo.

 

Life is much bigger than what you see.

 

Life much bigger than what you see.

 

What you see.

 

Vision blurred empty.

Eyes cleared hollow.

 

Free fall.

 

Free for all.

 

Clinging to your Loved.

 

Don’t break my heart, you said.

 

I told you not to break it…

 

You say.

 

Knowing you are not disregarded

 

But feeling so. 

 

Maybe I heard wrong

 

Maybe it was foolishness

 

But if so, it was a kind 

 

Foreign to your mind

 

Eyes. 

 

Sometimes I’d prefer

 

To drown on the surface

 

Than live in the unknown.

 

What is my life?

 

Hesitation, although always aware

 

It’s a fruition 

 

But right now, all you can see

 

The spout watering 

 

Sprout.

 

The bloom is in wait.

 

And you’ll get stung.

 

Prepared for sweetness.

 

You are becoming 

 

Whose are you

And what for

 

I am that I am.

For His whatever that may be.

 

Slowly loosening the grasp

 

To open palms.